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Jokes :D
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| Kitty |
Posted on 03/31/2012 19:49:30
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Wanker
Posts: 816
Joined: 29.11.11
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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| H4WK |
Posted on 03/31/2012 20:11:02
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Senior Member
Posts: 292
Joined: 03.02.12
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lol |
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| Kitty |
Posted on 03/31/2012 20:13:18
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Wanker
Posts: 816
Joined: 29.11.11
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodka.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had very bad day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said, “What the hell? Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yes, my wife…”
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| Kitty |
Posted on 03/31/2012 20:18:27
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Wanker
Posts: 816
Joined: 29.11.11
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A blonde is out of money and (after buying air at a real bargain) needed money desperately. To get some cash, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom just like in Hollywood movies.
She went to a playground, grabbed a kid randomly, and told the kid, “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it under the mango tree next to the playground. Signed, A naughty blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
Yep I myself am blond but this is too funny ><
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| Drkinferno |
Posted on 03/31/2012 21:02:31
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Wanker
Posts: 908
Joined: 11.05.11
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Kitty wrote:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Bring out the Gimp! |
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| Sarge |
Posted on 03/31/2012 23:45:38
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Senior Member
Posts: 369
Joined: 30.10.11
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Three men are walking in the desert. One man has water, the other man has a rifle, and the third man has a car door. They ask the first man why he had water, to which he replied "in case we get thirsty." They asked the second man why he brought a rifle, to which he replied "in case we get hungry." They asked the third man why he brought the car door, to which he replied "if it gets too hot, we can roll down the window."
Edited by Sarge on 03/31/2012 23:46:22
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| Drkinferno |
Posted on 04/01/2012 00:04:36
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Wanker
Posts: 908
Joined: 11.05.11
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Sarge wrote:
Three men are walking in the desert. One man has water, the other man has a rifle, and the third man has a car door. They ask the first man why he had water, to which he replied "in case we get thirsty." They asked the second man why he brought a rifle, to which he replied "in case we get hungry." They asked the third man why he brought the car door, to which he replied "if it gets too hot, we can roll down the window."
dafug? |
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| The Hat of Love |
Posted on 04/01/2012 08:34:41
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 9035
Joined: 31.07.11
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These are really bad. So why am I lauhging? 
Edited by The Hat of Love on 04/01/2012 08:35:04
my signature broke, here is a fox snek:
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| Kitty |
Posted on 04/01/2012 11:26:36
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Wanker
Posts: 816
Joined: 29.11.11
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Hehe :3
Red Dwarf Quotes, The Brits on here will get these.
Time is a great healer. Unless it's a rash, then you're better off with ointment. "
- Holly, Back in the Red
Ace: " You can't judge a book by its cover."
Lister: " And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine. "
- Lister, Stoke Me a Clipper
"You're really mean with money. You're a tremendous physical coward. You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritans switchboard and four people commited suicide. Your middle name is Judas but you tell everyone that it's Jonathan. you sign all your official letters "Arnold Rimmer BSc" and the BSc stands for "Bronze Swimming Certificate". You're a cheating, weasley, low-life scumbucket with all the charm and social grace of a pubic louse. "
- Lister, The Inquisitor
Red Dwarf - Polymorph. "I think we're all beginning to lose sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we going to call ourselves? I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or, my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." One drawback with that--the abbreviation is C.L.I.T.O.R.I.S.", Rimmer.
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| The Hat of Love |
Posted on 04/01/2012 16:41:15
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 9035
Joined: 31.07.11
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Ah, Red Dwarf.
May I present some Father Ted?
Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife?
Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.
And now on BBC1: Jurassic Park. The Director's Cut. With extra dinosaurs.
Dougal: I'm no good at judging the size of crowds Ted, but I'd say there's about seventeen million of them out there
Mrs Doyle: Won't you have some cake, Father? It's got cocaine in it. Oh no, hang on, it's not cocaine, is it. What do I mean now? - the little things... Raisins!
my signature broke, here is a fox snek:
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| Kitty |
Posted on 04/02/2012 15:59:50
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Wanker
Posts: 816
Joined: 29.11.11
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Every night, Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Frank and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Frank went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded. "Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
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| tim |
Posted on 04/09/2012 23:36:50
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Member
Posts: 164
Joined: 09.10.11
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There are three guys stuck on an island filled with cannibals. The cannibals tell the three guys that they will spare them if they manage to bring back ten fruits. So the first guy finds ten apples and brings them back. The cannibals then say that if he can fit all ten apples up his butt he will be able to leave the island. The guy manages to put two up and he couldn't fit anymore so the cannibals ate him
The second guy comes back with 10 blue berries. The cannibals tell him that if he can stick all ten up his butt he will be able to live. He manages to fit nine up his butt, then all of a sudden he starts laughing uncontrollably. Whilst laughing all the berries fall out of his butt and he fails to fit all of them in, so the cannibals eat him.
Up in heaven the first guy asks the second guy "What the hell man you could have lived why did you mess up?" The second guy replies, "I saw the third guy coming back with ten pineapples."
That's one of the best ones I know. |
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| stunt1man |
Posted on 04/09/2012 23:40:48
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 2148
Joined: 20.02.12
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haha pineapple is good, watermelon works well too lmao |
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| PirateKing |
Posted on 04/30/2012 14:35:34
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Numpty
Posts: 1128
Joined: 01.03.12
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lol love them 
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| Kitty |
Posted on 04/30/2012 19:12:40
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Wanker
Posts: 816
Joined: 29.11.11
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Ty ^^ oldish thread still makes ppl laugh yay!
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| The Hat of Love |
Posted on 05/01/2012 12:41:43
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 9035
Joined: 31.07.11
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I really enjoyed my holiday to Chernobyl.
But, ever since I got back, I've had this strange pain in my wings.
my signature broke, here is a fox snek:
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| stunt1man |
Posted on 05/01/2012 21:42:05
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 2148
Joined: 20.02.12
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one guy decides to take some training on how to hunt. so he sees an add in Google, where someone was offering a free hunting lesson. so he decides to go learn hunting from him since he couldn't resist that free offer.
guy meet the trainer in the forest for lessons on hunting. hunter has a gun (doesn't matter what kind)
guy: i am really bad at hunting, could you please teach me some?
trainer: sure, i will teach you all the skills necessary required to be a perfect hunter.
the guy doesn't believe him and decides to test his skills.
as they were walking through the jungle they saw a deer little far away.
guy: could you should that deer from here and kill it in one shot and prove your skills are worth it.
"shoots the deer" and bamnnn! deer is dead.
he is again not sure of his skills and decides to test more. as they were walking along the forest they see a bird ready to take off from the tree
guy: ok try and shoot that bird when it takes off and i will believe that you are really good.
bamnnn! fires the gun and it's a direct hit.
*bird fall back into the ground like an airplane crashing*
still the guy isn't satisfied.
as they were moving deeper into the forest they encounter a fly and the guy thinks that this is where the trainer can show his real skills.
guy: ok this is the final test for you. if you can shoot that fly and kill it then i would believe in you and i will pay, instead of free training.
bamnnnnn! direct hit. fly hits the ground and the guy claps and praises his skills, but soon the fly gets up and flies away. disappointed guy says
guy: you can't even kill a fly and you want to teach me how to become a pro hunter?
then the trainer replied
trainer: he wont be able to fuck again. |
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| ledapus |
Posted on 05/02/2012 08:51:15
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Senior Member
Posts: 423
Joined: 05.11.11
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lol sorry stuntman urs has too much reading when im just tooooooo tired for actual concentration.....lolol
they all hilarious though.
here is one. starts off sexist but the wife pwns him
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."
-Xfire: ledapus-
-Xbox Live gamertag: Ledapus-
LEDAPIE FOR THE WIIIIINNNNNNN!!!!!!!
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| stunt1man |
Posted on 05/02/2012 12:11:29
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 2148
Joined: 20.02.12
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yours is not that short either, lmao |
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| The Hat of Love |
Posted on 05/02/2012 14:16:28
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 9035
Joined: 31.07.11
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That's what she said.
my signature broke, here is a fox snek:
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