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jokes
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| rawr |
Posted on 12/27/2012 00:59:41
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Wanker
Posts: 733
Joined: 30.03.12
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An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
What We Do In Life Echos In Eternity.
STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand
Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.
Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That way, when you criticize them…
you are a mile away from them…
and you have their shoes.
“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”
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Posted on 12/27/2012 01:26:06
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 2519
Joined: 20.09.12
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Lmao, the porch one was funny
I WILL BREAK YOUR POTS AND STEAL YOUR RUPEES
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| ZA BrickSquad |
Posted on 12/27/2012 06:11:20
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 5303
Joined: 12.05.11
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Not the Ferrari!!!! NOOO!!!!!!!! FFS... I bet it was red before she painted it =/ |
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| The Hat of Love |
Posted on 12/27/2012 10:09:19
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 9035
Joined: 31.07.11
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What did one bear say to the other bear?
"Why are there no bears here?"
TWIST! There were no bears!
my signature broke, here is a fox snek:
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| BloodBrother |
Posted on 12/27/2012 11:20:26
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Senior Member
Posts: 388
Joined: 06.12.12
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Hahaha those are funny Rawr
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy. hehe
"Luceo Non Uro" means I Shine, not Burn
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| BloodBrother |
Posted on 12/27/2012 11:23:47
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Senior Member
Posts: 388
Joined: 06.12.12
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Another joke. Here is a picture of Paradox hahaha
"Luceo Non Uro" means I Shine, not Burn
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| SpartanJaz |
Posted on 12/27/2012 12:16:32
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Junior Member
Posts: 34
Joined: 13.08.12
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The 10 Husbands joke was hilarious. I lol'ed. |
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| Joshkl2013 |
Posted on 12/27/2012 13:37:40
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Numpty
Posts: 1443
Joined: 26.05.12
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BloodBrother wrote:
Another joke. Here is a picture of Paradox hahaha
OMFG I LOVE THE OATMEAL!!!!
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
What did one doctor say to the other doctor?
We are both doctors.
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What is green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
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Why did Suzie fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Suzie!
Where did Suzie go during the bomb raid?
Everywhere. =(
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale: "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female: "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said: "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
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A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined, no matter how the body shop might try to fix it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?", asked the lawyer.
The cop replied: "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I wanna be like RAZ!!! [ZÅ]Paradox
Need a shotgun to protect you while you snipe? Call
1-800-SHOTGUN today!
Need a nuke? Call 1-800-NUKE-ALL
Take advantage of this limited offer now!
Offer expires in 3..2..1...
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| BloodBrother |
Posted on 12/27/2012 13:42:05
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Senior Member
Posts: 388
Joined: 06.12.12
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Haha poor Suzie must get teased a lot lol. The whale joke was great!
"Luceo Non Uro" means I Shine, not Burn
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| Chilla |
Posted on 12/27/2012 13:49:08
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I got a big blue star for posting. i must be special
Posts: 1634
Joined: 10.04.12
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BloodBrother wrote:
Another joke. Here is a picture of Paradox hahaha
xD
So i dont have to repeat it that often: Im from Poland and i live in Germany lol
You can tellem that ive been through hell and back
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| JP |
Posted on 12/27/2012 15:53:00
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 3379
Joined: 10.01.12
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BloodBrother wrote:
Another joke. Here is a picture of Paradox hahaha
LOL
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| The Hat of Love |
Posted on 12/27/2012 17:38:36
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 9035
Joined: 31.07.11
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Ah, antijokes, the greatest.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Cos he got hit by a bus.
my signature broke, here is a fox snek:
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| ZA BrickSquad |
Posted on 12/27/2012 18:31:19
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 5303
Joined: 12.05.11
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What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
"Multilingual".
What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
"Bilingual".
What do you call someone who speaks one language?
"An American".
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What do you call a person who professionally generates maps of the world?
A cartographer.
What do you call an academician who studies the global distribution of resources or cultural characteristics?
A geographer.
What do you call a person who is ignorant of global geography?
An American.
Edited by ZA BrickSquad on 12/27/2012 18:39:04 |
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| rawr |
Posted on 01/01/2013 12:49:35
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Wanker
Posts: 733
Joined: 30.03.12
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!"
The Teacher fainted.
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Little Johnny Came Down For Breakfast One Morning And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Up In Bed”
So The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And Ate His Breakfast And Went Out To Play.
Then He Came Back In For Lunch And Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Giggle And He Ate His Lunch And Went Out To Play.
Then The Little Johnny Came In For Dinner And Once Again He Asked His Grandma.
Little Johnny: “Where’s Mom And Dad?”
Grandma Replied: “They’re Still Up In Bed”
And The Little Johnny Started To Laugh And His Grandmother Asked.
Grandmother: “What Give’s? Every Time I Tell You They’re Still Up In Bed You Start To Laugh! What Is Going On Here? ”
The Little Johnny Replied: “Well Last Night Daddy Came Into My Bedroom And Asked Me For The Vaseline And I Gave Him Super Glue Instead“
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My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something i must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No i must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father!"
"I know," I whispered "That's why i poisoned you, now close your eyes!!"
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What We Do In Life Echos In Eternity.
STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand
Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.
Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That way, when you criticize them…
you are a mile away from them…
and you have their shoes.
“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”
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| Saviour |
Posted on 01/01/2013 13:07:41
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Numpty
Posts: 1352
Joined: 05.10.11
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There was a kid singing on the bus :
" what do you get if u have a lion and a lioness ? a cub "
" what do you get if u have bull and a cow ? a calf "
" what do you get if u have rooster and a chicken ? a chick "
The bus driver got pissed and said "what do you get if u have a prostitute and a drug dealer ? " The child replied " A bus driver " |
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| rawr |
Posted on 01/01/2013 13:09:35
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Wanker
Posts: 733
Joined: 30.03.12
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lmao!
What We Do In Life Echos In Eternity.
STUPID = Smart Talented Unique Person In Demand
Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.
Before you criticize people, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That way, when you criticize them…
you are a mile away from them…
and you have their shoes.
“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”
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| Saviour |
Posted on 01/01/2013 13:15:15
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Numpty
Posts: 1352
Joined: 05.10.11
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A boss tells his new employee, “I’ll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I’ll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?”
“In 3 months.”
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A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
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You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down… and that’s when you realize… you have been listening to your ipod.
Edited by Saviour on 01/01/2013 13:28:14 |
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| ZA BrickSquad |
Posted on 01/01/2013 21:09:20
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 5303
Joined: 12.05.11
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Saviour wrote:
There was a kid singing on the bus :
" what do you get if u have a lion and a lioness ? a cub "
" what do you get if u have bull and a cow ? a calf "
" what do you get if u have rooster and a chicken ? a chick "
The bus driver got pissed and said "what do you get if u have a prostitute and a drug dealer ? " The child replied " A bus driver "
THIS MADE MY 2013 LMAO!!! |
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| Saviour |
Posted on 01/02/2013 12:39:47
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Numpty
Posts: 1352
Joined: 05.10.11
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ZA BrickSquad wrote:
Saviour wrote:
There was a kid singing on the bus :
" what do you get if u have a lion and a lioness ? a cub "
" what do you get if u have bull and a cow ? a calf "
" what do you get if u have rooster and a chicken ? a chick "
The bus driver got pissed and said "what do you get if u have a prostitute and a drug dealer ? " The child replied " A bus driver "
THIS MADE MY 2013 LMAO!!!
IKR 
Edited by Saviour on 01/02/2013 12:46:08 |
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| ZA BrickSquad |
Posted on 01/02/2013 13:37:29
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ShawnPeezy
Posts: 5303
Joined: 12.05.11
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I always wonder why bus drivers are bus drivers. It makes perfect sense now lmfao!!! |
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